Vote even if you don't know her! It can be more fun that way. Official due date is 19 January. Prize is permission to feel smug that you predicted things. (Well, the real prize is the baby, but most of you won't be allowed to keep it.)

Poll #1505187 hfnuala baby pool
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 1

When will the kid arrive? Date and exact time, please!

Debates about sex and gender are welcomed in the comments, but in the land of Pink And Blue, there can be only two choices, and you think the baby is a

And the birth weight? (Of the kid, not hfnuala.) Pounds/ounces preferred but if you think in kilos, go for it.

Anything else you'd like to say?

Okay, I'm going to do today's entry before midnight so that I can get up above the Holidailies line for once! I only missed one day, but I keep posting when it is officially the next day and therefor it looks as though I've missed two days and I'm down with the slackers.

Not today, though! Suck it, slackers!

***

Today I went to the eye doctor and was tortured with the fucking test where they test for dryness by sticking things into your eyes and leaving them there, when I could just have told them that I have dry eyes and that should have been enough, then did the side vision test where they flash invisible things at you, that he said went well but I recall sitting for long seconds at a time without seeing any of the invisible things.

I have been going to my eye doctor forever, either that or 33 years, which is kind of the same thing, though even with that knowledge I still wonder when he got so old? He has really shrunk, a tiny little old man instead of the tall, terrifying personage that he used to be. He still has the scary voice, but now he's Attempting To Be Sort of Jovial Grandpa Optometrist.

I just remember that he used to say "look up look at my left ear at my left elbow look down at my right elbow at my right ear look at me" and I would never be able to do it fast enough because he never gave me the time that I needed to say, "Now, which way is left again?" To this day, though he stopped scaring me years ago, I tense up and make an L with my left hand so I'll remember to look that way when the time comes.

***

I never listed my Christmas presents, did I? I could wait forever and never do so, or I could do it now. They are in the other room, you see, and I would have to walk allllllll the way over there, and my life is terribly difficult. I have so many presents, but they are so far, and I am sitting on the sofa now. Watching the Kennedy Center Honors. Next to the space heater. How can I be expected to move, might I ask?

These diamond shoes are effing killing me.

***

Okay, the show is over, it's past midnight and I'm still gonna be below the line, but I have the list!

First of all, my stocking, which wasn't actually a stocking but was a small green bag, because we couldn't find my stocking on Christmas eve. It's always with the decorations, but it was nowhere to be found, so it was like a small reusable shopping bag, but it was green which made it Christmassy!

In it was Vintage Caper, by Peter Mayle, a tube of uncirculated 50 state quarters, a telescoping pointer with a magnetic end for picking up paper clips and stuff off the ground, a powder brush in sort of a big lipstick tube, some candy, some old Screen Actors Guild pins (Mom find things like this around the house and puts them in my stocking as a surprise), a small tube of Burt's Bees Radiance Body Lotion, a tiny thing of sunscreen (I think Mom was just looking around the bathroom for anything to put in there, and, amusingly, two partially used l'Occitane body and hand creams that I had actually given to her. She gave them back because she knew that she wasn't going to use them and that I love them.

Under the tree it was a Christmas dogwalking bonanza! I got a pair of waterproof shoes, a pair of short, lined boots, a red snow hood, a set of thermal underwear, and a fake chinchilla coat with a scarf that matches the lining. Very chi-chi! Also, five pairs of undies, thirteen pairs of socks, two bras, two pairs of jammies, one black and white with polka dots and one midnight blue with Santa flying across the bottom hem (obviously, I picked out the latter myself), a pair of purple clogs (I miss wearing clogs!), a shoe storage bag, some La Source hand therapy cream, an eight week hair conditioning system, The Book of Lost things by John Connolly and When You Are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris.

Pretty good, huh? I will spend this winter warm, well-shod, with many changes of underwear, and with extremely well-conditioned hair.

***

Hey, I won a Best of Holidailies for this entry! I've only ever won twice before in God knows how many years, so they don't come easy. Thanks, whomever the reader was!

I don't think I'll win another one for today, somehow!

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, (even if we don't speak often) please post a comment with a COMPLETELY MADE UP AND FICTIONAL memory of you and me. It can be anything you want - good or bad - BUT IT HAS TO BE FAKE. If you'd like to join in the fun, post this little paragraph on your LJ and be surprised (or mortified) about what people DON'T ACTUALLY remember about you.

[I know I've done this meme before, but it's so creative I can't resist running it again.]

Something dreadful has happened. Not dreadful like Mom falling down, but dreadful nonetheless. It actually happened the night she fell down, but I didn't know that it would stick like it has.

At the supermarket, before going to the parking lot to fall down, Mom was looking at the books and picked up this awful romance thing. She has been reading romances lately, since she has read every mystery that has ever been written. Romances, honestly! Who reads romances? I am much too literary for romances.

Anyway, like you can't tell where this is going, while we were at the hospital waiting for stuff, I started reading the dreaded romance novel, and found that it is awesome! Obviously there are good writers who work in the romance genre, it's just as wrong to say that sf or horror is only written by hacks, there are great writers working in genre fiction, and by golly, romance is genre fiction.

Anyway, the book is called The Laird Who Loved Me by Karen Hawkins, which is actually the fifth in a series, and I like it so much that even when I found out that there are four other books, and we even got the fourth one at the book store at Century City, I am still reading it! I don't read things out of order, my OCD doesn't like it. But I'm reading the fifth and Mom's reading the fourth, then we'll switch.

It is about a proud, angry Scottish lord and a feisty woman whom he is trying to punish, and it all sounds simply awful when I'm trying to spell it out, but seriously, Karen Hawkins is a really terrific author, and if she's writing romance novels, then I'm damn well reading romance novels.

But I will say, the covers are HORRIBLE! I kind of need to cover them with brown paper in order to be seen in public with them.

We went to church at St. Jane Frances tonight, I haven't been there in I'm not certain how many years, but I'm pretty sure it was before my Dad died, which means it's longer than 13 years ago.

I used to love St. Jane Frances. My childhood church, where I was baptized, went to CCD, had my first communion and confirmation is St. Charles Borromeo, which was where we went to Christmas mass, but St. Jane Frances was the hippie church where we would go sometimes as I was growing up and we started going there full time when I was in high school because I loved the folk mass.

Karen, Ken and Tom were the folk group, which started as just Karen and Ken, a brother and sister and their acoustic guitars, but when Tom joined it became more of a folk rock trio, because Tom brought an electric bass and electric piano. Some of my "singing around the house" songs are their versions of the Lord's Prayer and the Gloria. They were fantastic, and I know that we weren't the only people who went to that mass just because of them.

Some years back, Karen, Ken and Tom decided to stop, I don't know if they broke up altogether or if they just decided not to perform at mass anymore, and I stopped going to St. Jane Frances. Once we went back, and found, to my horror, that they had remodeled the inside of the church and now the pews were on two opposite sides of the altar, which meant that the priest spent all his time spinning around in the middle and each side of the congregation spent all their time staring across at the other half. Also, the music was unspeakable. So I have never been back.

This morning, we hadn't gotten dressed early enough to make the 11.30a mass, so Mom suggested St. Jane Frances, that they had a good choir now, and I decided why not? So we went over there after going to late brunch and buying books, and I was pleased to see that now the pews were like half of a dodecagon, six sides of pews facing the altar, and the other half just being one side. The choir wasn't there, but there was a lovely soprano cantor who also played the piano, and I approved highly of her hymn choices. Also, because she is a soprano, she pitched the songs very high, which makes me happy, even if it didn't work for a lot of the congregation.

So it was certainly a reasonable mass, though the priest totally looked like a high school basketball coach in a cassock and compared the gospel of the boy Jesus getting lost from his family and being found with the rabbis in the temple, to Home Alone, in his homily, which was a stretch. But it made me miss the olden days.

So I managed to sleep in this morning, though it took several tries. One of the times I woke up I looked outside and there was so much fog it looked exactly as though my block was in the middle of a cloud. If I saw it in a movie I'd expect pixies and elves to start appearing out of the mist. I went back to sleep before they showed up.

Then there was a whole bunch of hanging around the house before managing to get dressed and go to Costco. I got a pair of jeans, a huge amount of Craisins, some smoked almonds for Sam, and presents for Rita and the kids, then we went to Western Bagel, my new favourite place to get bagels and I discovered that getting there right before they close and buying two bagels totally means that you get four bagels, then bacon and cheese at Vons. So that was a full day.

***

Am I a bad person in that all I can think about when I hear about the guy who tried to blow up the plane in Detroit is that going back to NY will be a pain in the ass? One asshole who tried to put explosives in his shoes means that even now, years later, we have to take off our shoes to board a plane, what the fuck are they going to add after nitroglycerin guy?

I am assuming body cavity searches.

Jeff and I opted for a quiet Christmas with just us. We had Chinese food, made our phone calls to the parents and then spend hours and hours playing Aion together, killing pixels and going up in level. Yes, we are geeks. We did open presents, too. I got some awesome survivalist stuff, a popcorn pot, jewelry and a great popcorn bowl. We had some leftover chicken and dumplings (the longer you have the leftovers, the better it gets) and chocolate. It's been a good day.

O my goodness, so sleepy! And it's only 10p, but I keep getting up early and just getting up rather than going back to sleep like normal people on vacation do, but I'm going to rip this sucker out and go to sleep.

So I got up at 8a or so and opened my stocking, then came downstairs and fooled around online until Mom got up four hours later, which made perfect sense because she got to sleep at 6a. Why I have no idea, because all of my gifts were in gift bags rather than wrapped, so what took so long? Then Mom got up and we started futzing with dinner, I made the stuffing, Mom did the bird, etc., until everything was cooking and we opened presents.

I am too sleepy to go in the next room and actually look at my gift, so list to come. Then the turkey was ready so I made mashed potatoes and Mom made rutabaga and gravy, then we ate. The stuffing turned out oddly, since the cornbread turned out oddly, but I still think it was pretty yummy, and the bird was super moist.

Now Mom is sleeping in her chair, Numbers is on the TV, I am listening to the IFC News podcast and downloading the Doctor Who Christmas special, and am dreading putting the leftovers in the fridge so that I can go to sleep. I'm not doing the damn dishes, that's for certain.



It was a pretty good Christmas! Hope yours was good as well!

So yesterday I got up after 3 1/2 hours of sleep, and why? Because I was getting my hair cut and I had to dye my hair first! Don't ask. Mom insisted.

Got the hair cut, saw Penny, who has been cutting my hair since I was about twelve, and who still looks about 30, but since I'm 45, it's kind of unlikely.

Then we had lunch and went to Century City and visited all of the usual suspects, Victoria's Secret, Crabtree and Evelyn, the place where I buy caramel apples, etc. I love Century City, though I hate every single change that they have made since the day of my birth and take them all as personal insults.

Then we were going to get a tree, but it ended up being too late, and we went way too tired. We were going to cook when we got home, but walked through the door and mutually decided on cheese toast instead.

***

This morning I got up early, but that was because I went to sleep at 10.30p, then happily sat around for some hours downloading Christmas music, as is my wont. Once Mom was up and dressed, we went to get a tree, since last year was The Year Without a Christmas Tree (tm), I didn't want us to fuck it up again this year!

At first we went to the church's tree lot, but they had taken all of the trees away and mulched them. Really? Before 2.30p on Christmas Eve day? Is this not anticipating the birth of Christ the weensiest bit? So we went to Holt, which is mostly where we have been buying trees for about 30 years, and Mom negotiated a nice big tree for $25. So a second Year Without a Christmas Tree (tm) was thwarted, hooray!

We drove the tree to McDonald's, then to Trader Joe's. The tree got quite a tour of Toluca Lake! We were gonna go to Costco's but they were closing too early and we weren't going to make it.

Then we spent a huge amount of time clearing a pathway from the door that we never open in order to bring the tree in though the door that we never open, and I just started decorating it when we realized that time was getting on, and if we were going to go to midnight mass we had better get a wiggle on.

I have been boycotting midnight mass for the past several years when they started having it at 10p. Which defeats the point of midnight mass, so far as I'm concerned, but clearly they are never changing it back. I love Father Gallagher, but he gets some stupid-ass ideas sometimes.

Mass was fine, came home, finished the tree, wrapped presents, am in bed! See you tomorrow!

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I am exhausted and want to die even more than I want to sleep, but since the last million entries in a row are about how I am tired and have no time to write and will catch up soon, I really don't think I can get away with a million and one.

***

So Sunday night I stayed up all night packing and washing dishes and doing laundry and so on, then left the house at 5a in order to get to JFK for my 8.22a flight. Not too long waiting in the snow ensued, got into the city, saw people waiting for the airport bus, but had to go to the bank to deposit my check, then went back and those people were gone. Then the Laguardia bus came, and the Newark bus, and I was afraid that the Zuckert Traveling Curse was on again, but the bus came and I got to the airport in time, and though I actually asked at least four times, I did not get to give up my flight and was forced to actually go on my trip as planned.

I slept some on the plane, attempted to use the free wireless but there isn't actually enough room for the computer and my tummy back in steerage, so I gave up quickly.

I got to SFO at around noon and my flight to Burbank was due to leave at about 3.45p, but actually left at 8.15p after being delayed about ten times and the gate changed thrice. I am currently a big fan of the TripCase app, since I was getting notifications of time and gate changes actually before they were announced to us.

Finally got home, went to sleep at 10.30p, exhausted.

***

Yesterday I got up at 7.45a, beating my alarm, to record a Quirky Quiz with Sage, Tim and Melissa, which had been postponed once before recording and once actually while we were on the phone together trying to record it (my fault!), but we finally got through it, though I was kind of loopy from sleep deprivation, that's the way I record most of my Quizzes, frankly, and I think it turned out well.

By the way, speaking of QN, one I improvised is up, and I'm pretty proud of it, listen to it here. The dog story I told happened to me, the birthday party story happened to someone I read online and I cannot AT ALL remember who it is, and the last one I just made up. Hope you like it!

After the recording, I bathed, then napped for four hours. I was so tired that I just had to, which turned out to be a blessing unknown at the time.

Mom and I went out and had dinner at Sizzler, then shopped at Target, then went to Vons, and while we were walking to the car, Mom was about ten feet away from me, and she just went face down on the asphalt and lay there very very still. I ran over to her and was calling her over and over until finally she groaned so I knew that she was actually alive and slowly she sat up and I saw the blood on her face, and these nice women offered us the use of their first aid kit and offered to call 911, but Mom said she just wanted to go home. But when we got into the car, she decided to go to the hospital. "What about the ice cream?" was my actual response, God only knows why!

So we went to St. Joseph's, and were in and out in two hours, which is unheard of in NY emergency rooms. They cleaned her off, x-rayed her and stitched up two cuts on her lip, one with five stitches and the other three. And she is fine, thank God, if she doesn't look as though she has been beaten and probably by me.

Then home and 3 1/2 hours of sleep. No more, I'll catch up properly tomorrow. If I'm not dead.

***

Here she is, yesterday and today, one in the waiting room of the hospital, and the other was today, waiting to pick up her prescription, after saying in a loud voice, "Please don't hit me anymore!" and then just bursting into laughter as I thought gee, I hope nobody calls the police and I have to say, "She fell down! Really she did!"

Tess would like to wish each and every one of you who celebrates it a very Merry Chrismas - and a Happy New Year!

Ganked from avidreader7:

Dear Santa... Dear Santa, This year I've been busy! Last Sunday I put money in casey98's expired parking meter (14 points). Last Saturday I saved a busload of nuns in Angola (326 points). In October I didn't flush (-1 points). Last Wednesday I gave yankeegirl46 a kidney (1000 points). Last Tuesday I gave quest a Dutch Oven (-10 points). Overall, I've been nice (1329 points). For Christmas I deserve a red Radio-Flyer wagon! Sincerely, kymmz

Write your letter to Santa! Enter your LJ username:

Well, it's three o'clock ayem in the morning, to mis-quote Jennifer, Hecate, Macbeth, William McKinley and Me, Elizabeth, which means that it is six o'clock ayem in the morning as far as my body clock is concerned, I have long travel stories to tell, but have neither the time nor the energy in which to do so. I have to get up in less than five hours, and why am I up so late? Because when we were in the parking lot of Vons, Mom tripped over a parking block and crashed flat on her face, so we had to go to the emergency room. She is fine, she got five stitches in one cut on her lips and three in another, we were in and out of there in two hours, which may be a world's record as far as emergency room visits.

I'll catch up tomorrow, but now, it's bed time!

I'm home in LA, after being awake for 43 1/2 hours (minus about three hours of naps) and 20 hours of travel and eight hours of hanging around the airport in San Francisco!

And that sentence took the last of my strength, goodnight!

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I'm still awake so it's still yesterday. I'm packed, the dishes are done, I'm bathed, the trash is by the door, I have to leave in half an hour. I still have to put on my pants, clean my teeth, and, most importantly, when I get into town, deposit my check!

Then, off to LA on no sleep whatsoever!

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The football mania is in full swing around here. It'd be even worse in Tuscaloosa, but it's crazy enough here. Roll Tide this and Roll Tide that. ROLL TIDE ROLL. Or, "RTR" as the abbreviators say. We were at the DreamFamily annual holiday gathering yesterday, and we stood around in a circle for a blessing before digging into the massive buffet. One of the uncles said the blessing, and it was very nice, ending with the usual, "In Jesus' name we pray." About half the room said, "Amen." The other half? "ROLL TIDE." I shit you not. Hee!( Read more... )

Yesterday, I received a holiday gift from a friend. Having had a difficult night at ECC, I decided to open it immediately. It was the coolest mug, coaster and mouse pad all in the same pattern with "Deadlines Amuse Me."

You want to know what my first thought was? "Aww, they know I appreciate such morbid things."

It took me about five minutes to understand that what I thought the gift meant was completely different than what it actually meant.

You see, any normal person would laugh because they know I'm a writer and I'm constantly under the gun to get things in on time. Hence, "Deadlines Amuse Me."

But you want to know what I actually thought at first blush? "Dead Lines Amuse Me" where "dead lines" = outlines of bodies on sidewalks and autopsy stitches.

No. I'm not kidding. This is just how I frequently think. It's my "Jenn Filter" or my "Gilded Light."

Holy crap, I refuse to miss a Holidailies day, but it's 1.30a and I have to get up at 6a, so this will be short.

It's the snowpocalipse. My iPhone already knows to anticipate my typing snowpocalipse. It took nearly 2 hours to get home tonight, a trip that should take 10-15 minutes, including walking pretty far in the snow because the everything was at a complete standstill on Boulevard East.

I am seriously praying that my flight gets delayed so I can sleep in on Monday.

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Ugh, it's almost 12.30a, I'm up at 6a, the exact same thing will happen tomorrow, then Monday I have an 8.30a flight, so there is no sleep happening until Monday night, really.

And you know what that means? That means that this is the whole entry. G'night!

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